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Introduction
Twenty-eight years ago I (Martha) became a mother for the first time. Even
though I had "R.N." after my name I was pretty frightened. All those babies
I'd played "Mommy" with in the hospital were other people's babies, not my
own. I had to learn how to be a mother to my little Jimmy from scratch. It
was intense and personal learning, and I have been privileged to experience
it intensely and personally seven more times.
My husband, Bill, learned along with me all the things we discuss in this
book for brand-new mothers. My voice, speaking mother-to-mother, will
dominate the book, with Bill's interjected here and there to give his
perspective as a father and pediatrician.
This is not a traditional baby-care book. You won't find anything in it about diaper rash, cord care, or how to give a bath. You can get that information from a lot of other sources. Instead, this book is a guide to mothering your baby, and it is as much about the process of becoming a mother as it is about babies. It will help you to get to know your baby better, and we hope that it will also help you understand yourself as you take on this new, motherly role.
We believe that babies have a lot to teach mothers. Listening to your baby and responding to his or her cues will lead you into a parenting style that will help both of you thrive. Biology and infant behavior will help you get started and build your confidence as you and your baby develop a two-way trusting relationship. But this is not an ideal world we live in, and there are forces you'll meet along the way that can make you doubt your mothering intuition. We hope that this book will prepare you for some of those bumps in the road, and will help you meet the challenges and changes ahead.
Mothering and fathering eight children has taught us a lot. We are very different persons from the ones we were before we had children, and most, if not all, of these differences are for the better. Although personal growth is sometimes hard, we've had a lot of fun along the way. Fun in your life with your baby is what will convince you and the baby that life is good. Enjoy your baby!
How you mother your baby does make a difference.
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Mothering in the twentieth century has become a tricky business. We can take our babies' survival pretty much for granted, and in this way we differ from all the mothers who have come before us. Instead we worry about whether our babies will grow up to be happy and productive, a more complicated issue. Nobody yet has scientifically tested and perfected a parenting system that guarantees children will turn out okay. Much of the research focuses on what goes wrong, rather than what goes right, and psychologists from Freud onward have often laid the blame on mothers. This creates a lot of anxiety, as mothers struggle to raise psychologically healthy children. Mothers often feel that the stakes are high on everything they do, and the possibility of making serious mistakes makes the job of parenting seem frightening. |
In reaction to Freud, there's another school of thought that suggests that mothers aren't all that critical to their children's psyches. Children need dependable caregivers, yes, but these are more or less interchangeable, and group care not only is satisfactory, it also makes children independent at an earlier age. Babies do prefer their parents, but they really don't need all that one-on-one attention that goes along with traditional mothering. It's interesting that these theories have evolved at a time when more and more mothers of young children are in the workforce.
So where do you fit in? How important are you, a responsive, nurturing, trustworthy mother, to your baby's development? How do you know if you're making a difference?
In the parenting business, science often fails us. It's hard to study behavior that is as complicated as mother-and-infant interactions, much less relate these interactions to how children behave and feel years later. "Experts" speculate, spinning advice out of tiny threads of evidence, but who really knows?
I believe that experienced parents -- parents of children who are turning out well -- have the answers. Bill and I have talked to thousands of wise and seasoned mothers over the years, and while we don't pretend that this is a scientific sample, we do feel confident about relaying what we've learned from all these families. We believe that how you mother your children makes a difference in the kind of people they become.
The mothering advice that we have given in this book reflects a style that we call attachment parenting. For babies, attachment parenting includes closeness right from birth, responding sensitively to cries, babywearing, sharing sleep, and breastfeeding. The involvement of the father, both directly with the baby and in support of the mother, is also important. These practices together make up a very nurturing style of baby care, one that yields a wonderful sensitivity between mother and child. The mother understands what the baby is thinking, most of the time, and the baby responds well to the mother's care. Babies who experience attachment parenting rarely need to cry to get their needs met (though they may cry plenty when something hurts or bothers them), because they can communicate in other, more subtle ways. Mothers who nurture in this style feel confident that they are doing the right things for their children, because they feel they can perceive their babies' needs, and because their babies are happiest when they are most responsive. Even high-need babies can be mellowed by this style of parenting into children who are fun to be with.
Read Part Two here.
