It’s high noon. The showdown begins. Parent and Baby square off – Mom with her trusty spoon, Baby armed with nothing but a turn of the head, a purse of the lips and an unerring ability to bat away any feeding implement. This dining room’s not big enough for the two of them. How can a parent bring peace back to mealtime in this contest of wills?

OK, maybe your baby is not exactly Clint Eastwood with drool. And there are those dream infants out there who will scarf down anything that is put in front of them. But generally at around 8 to 12 months of age, many babies start refusing to eat or eat only a few bites before sending some very definite signals of "all done."

While this is a completely normal phase for children to pass through, in my experience as a speech-language therapist in a feeding clinic, I have seen parental reactions to this phase range from laid-back humor to full-blown panic. Using some easy behavioral techniques, however, parents can eliminate a significant portion – if not all – of the struggle and make meals a more pleasant experience for everyone involved.

Why? Why? Why?
What causes the struggle? What makes these children, normally so loving and sweet, turn into miniaturized tyrants and dictators?

According to Cara Cuddy, Ph.D., a child psychologist and director of the Pediatric Feeding Disorders program at Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital for Rehabilitation in Cleveland, Ohio, children at this age are just beginning to develop a sense of autonomy, a knowledge that they are separate and independent from their parents or caregivers. As part of this development, she says, they begin to struggle for control of their own bodies. So what goes in or stays out of a baby's mouth is partially a measure of him exerting his independence.

Some of the refusal behaviors can mean more than one thing. Sometimes, a child bats the food away with the spoon to say she is bored with the applesauce and wants something else. Sometimes it means she wants to be done with the meal. And sometimes it means it is time to transition to new foods and textures. My 1-year-old son started turning his head and refusing baby food once he'd sampled some "big boy" food, which I interpreted as him realizing how bland baby food can taste.

Struggles may begin even earlier than 8 months with children who are hypersensitive to things being in their mouths. These children probably have not had a lot of experience mouthing different textures, such that even a very watery strained puree seems overwhelming to them, and they may react strongly to it with gagging or choking. The struggling behavior with these children is not as much related to autonomy as it is the discomfort associated with mealtime. Treatment by a certified speech-language therapist or occupational therapist will usually resolve these issues over time.

It Takes Two to Tango
When a baby refuses food that is offered to him, he is initiating a dance. The response of the caregiver feeding him is an equally important step in that dance. If the feeder gives in, thereby giving up all control to the baby, the resulting dance is far different than if the feeder works to distract the baby momentarily and re-attempts the bite a minute or two later.

Cuddy agrees, saying that if the meal becomes "anything goes" for the baby, then the parents can expect increased attempts at manipulating the situation and testing of limits.

Cuddy recommends that the parent maintain a balance between keeping firm, clear limits and providing opportunities where the child can be allowed some control, such as offering a choice between two foods previously chosen by the parent. The key here is consistency – if I establish a rule that my son will only eat at meals and snack time, and he refuses to eat his breakfast, then I cannot cave in and let him eat his favorite crackers during The Wiggles, even if he whines because he's hungry. He can wait until his next scheduled meal.

It will only take a few meals for a new rule to become part of the routine and the testing of the new rule to decrease and eventually stop. Children actually thrive on routine and predictability, and while they may test the waters, they are looking for a response that reminds them of their routine to reassure them that their world is safe.

Tips to Make Meals Run More Smoothly
Here are a few simple tips you can incorporate into your feeding routine that should significantly cut down on any mealtime conflict. These are strategies that I learned while practicing in a feeding clinic for children with feeding disorders but that have worked equally well with my typically-developing 1-year-old son.

• Set a predetermined ending to the meal. Don't drag the meal out beyond 30 minutes at most. Young children want and need to be moving, and asking them to sit still for longer than a half-hour is asking for trouble.
• Have a place where the child always eats, such as a high chair or booster seat. Cuddy notes that many parents give up on seating that contains the child too early. "Kids need structure to focus on a meal; their attention is really limited in early childhood," she says.
• Offer a distraction like a toy or extra spoon for the baby to occupy her hands with while her parent tries to feed. It can't be anything too entertaining, as the primary focus should always be the meal. But a baby will have trouble batting your spoon away if he's banging on the high chair tray with his own.
• Don't offer so many distractions that the focus of the meal is lost. And no TV. A high chair that is loaded with toys leaves no room for the food and leaves a child confused about why they are at the table. Additionally, a child eating in front of the TV is not learning good eating habits, but is literally just going through the motions.
• Don't allow grazing between meals or in place of meals. A child who nibbles on a chip here, a raisin there, may look as if she is eating all the time, but in reality she is taking in less than her counterpart who eats his meals and snacks on a schedule. Grazing also decreases hunger, which sets up a situation where the child will refuse what's on her plate for a meal because she's not hungry.
• Try not to react to negative behaviors. Just like we are not supposed to laugh when our kids say a curse word, even if it's funny, neither should we give any reaction, positive or negative, to the ways that our babies act up while in the high chair. This is the period where children are really experimenting with cause and effect, and a baby will know that he caused you to lose your cool after he turned his head for the umpteenth time to avoid those peas and that he can reproduce the effect whenever he wants.
• For babies starting table foods such as Cheerios and crackers, let them have independence at grasping and eating those foods for a few minutes before trying to spoon-feed the rest of the meal. The spoon gives the babies the autonomy that they're starting to want, which will make them more cooperative when you need to feed the rest of the meal.

It's not always easy to remember that when kids this age refuse your attempts to feed them they are not being bratty on purpose, nor are they casting aspersions on your skills as cook or parent. Instead, they are figuring out who they are as individuals. By setting clear and reasonable limits, being consistent and remembering to always keep your cool, you can get meals back to where they are enjoyable for the whole family.

Want to see more?

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• Mealtime: A New Adventure
• Baby Food from Scratch: Holiday and Year Round Recipes Made Easy
• Talk about it!